Every 2 years I write a blog post....

Every 2 years I feel inclined to sit down and process feelings and ramble my way through life. Every 2 years apparently something significant happens that brings me to my knees and draws me back to my faith a little stronger, a little bit more renewed. Every 2 years I search for purpose. Maybe I need to stop settling during those periods in between, and keep searching, keep digging, keep delving into my purpose, my mission in life. Maybe then every 2 years, I won't be asking God why? Im an incredibly blessed woman. I have two amazing beautiful children. Hard fought for, cried over, miracle children who mean the world to me. I would walk through fire for them, stand in front of a train...Anything for those two precious miracles that I am so blessed to call my own. I have a gorgeous husband who is a man of God, a man whose faith inspires me, and encourages me to follow my own dreams. A man who isn't afraid to hold a little girls purse, to play cars with a little boy, to have sticky hands hold his own. I have parents who still show me unconditional love, although I broke their hearts when we moved our family away from our hometown. Who support me emotionally across the distance , more than they will ever know. I have my "little" sis, who I am blessed even talks to me after how horrible I was to her as a child. My sis that will say what Im thinking even when Im not bold enough to say it, and is my best friend. I am a blessed woman.

So why do I say that every 2 years I struggle? I think that God humbles me through my health. 2 years ago I struggled with a pulmonary embolism while I was pregnant with Christian. I sought Him faithfully through that, and emerged stronger in my faith. After that crisis, I did what I always do in the good times...I drifted away. Yes, I still believed, I still attended church, I still went through the motions. But the prayers were more superficial, the old habit of seeking to depend on my self instead of on him resurfaced.

When I was faced with evil, sorrow and misery, I didn't turn back to Him the way I know I should. I tried to process it myself. Why don't I know by now that I can't do this on my own? Why? And so I got sick again. I was brought to my knees- literally almost with shortness of breath and chest pain that I couldn't fathom at such a young age. I ran the gamut with all of the testing, the unknowns. I found myself struggling for answers again, searching and depending on myself. And then ,I see the answers. I see the answers that were there all along, with the unmistakable hand of Him , in the midst of it all. Why was I so blessed 2 times with these amazing beautiful children, when all of the other testing showed that those two should have probably ended like all of the miscarriages over the years? Because You were there. You saw them through. God blessed me with absolute miracles- who we named Lexsey and Christian. So here I am again, on my knees. Thanking God for letting me run away and try to do it on my own, and his grace to accept me back once I realized I needed Him , more than I needed my own false sense of self sufficiency. Instead of running this time, Im going to try to seek Him daily, seek His will, seek my purpose. Im going to stop ignoring that small voice of discontent and seek to answer those nagging questions with His will for my life, for our family. And reading through this again, my previous years of struggles and my 2 year pattern of looking the way I should have been all along, Im going to embrace the mission that our family has set before us. Because as Chris recently said, which struck me straight to the core: "We must love as he loves, and forgive as He forgives" . Thank you God for forgiving me. Because I am a mess without you.

He is Doing What?!

So after much thought, I thought I should address something that has been coming up in conversation alot recently....something where I have heard alot of "What?! Why?!" 's about...

Chris leaves this weekend to Mexico on a mission to a town called Vincente Guerrero to build homes for the poor there.




This apparently rubs alot of people the wrong way, given that I am considered to be high risk in the pregnancy, and the complications I had in the pregnancy while Chris was in Ethiopia... but this is something that as a family we have talked about alot, and feel strongly about...So he is going....Why? Here we go.



1. He felt called to do it.



While preparing for the mission trip to Ethiopia, Chris felt highly called to serve with Youth With A Mission in Mexico building houses. This is something that he has always wanted to do, and I encouraged him to follow his calling. Chris feels so much more complete when he is following his calling- and so at peace to be serving as he was meant to serve. We planned for this trip quite awhile ago, before any of the complications from the pregnancy occurred. Chris had talked about cancelling the trip, but still felt incredibly called to go. We are listening to this, and sending him.

2. This is something our FAMILY is devoted to.

Months ago, we spent quite alot of time in prayer and reflection about our families purpose, and our families values. We have a family crest on the wall in the hallway that we worked on first as a couple, and then with Lexsey. We worked on what our core values are, and what we see our families purpose to be. We felt strongly that we are called to love others well, through time, service and actions, as well as to adventure... The combination of things that we value as a family put it on our hearts even more strongly that as a family we are called to mission work.

As we did this activity, it was incredible to see how a (at the time ) 3 year old could be so deeply in tune with the values of her family. Lexsey insisted that it was most important that we love people well, because Jesus loves us. The center of our family is in Christ, and we are called to pick up our own crosses and follow Him...Following Him is not always easy, and sometimes it is the road that seems more dangerous, but the beauty of service is that after the bumps and rough turns, you see His glory in it.

So though it may seem that we are taking a bumpy and dangerous road by sending Chris away on another mission while I am at home 7 months pregnant, this is something that we feel strongly will glorify God, and continue our families road to service and missions.

3. We trust that everything will be ok while he is gone- and trust that God will provide us with safety and health in Chris's absence.

It is easy to spend life focused on the dangers and anxieties of the world. After 3 miscarriages, and now 2 high risk pregnancies, I am very deeply aware of how easy it would be to sit in a corner and rock nervously about the what ifs, and the concerns of the world.

But that is not the life we were called to. We were called to give our concerns and our fears to God, to depend on Him, because we can not do this alone. And so we are. We are giving our concerns to God, and trusting in his providence, his protection and his love in this season in our lives. I feel strongly that God's hand has been in this pregnancy from the very beginning, and that He will provide for safety for both me and Christian through this process- and we need to continue on the path that He has laid for our family- a road of service.

God has always provided for us in our times of need. When I was sick and Chris was in Ethiopia, we were surrounded on opposite sides of the world with prayer, and God healed us, and provided peace for Chris as he was separated from us. When he returned home from Africa sick, and seemingly miserable, and then Lexsey got the same illness, broke her clavicle, and I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and also the flu, it seemed that we were in the middle of a cosmic battle, with one seeking to pull us away from our trust in God, and our calling, to cast us back into fear and doubt. But God prevailed. He healed us all, he healed Lexsey's clavicle so quickly that she isn't even in a sling anymore, and provided me with control of my blood sugars, and peace.

God IS the Great Physician. We trust in Him that my health and Christian's health will be sustained while Chris seeks to serve Him and do his work in Mexico as he was called to do.



We are incredibly grateful for the love and concern that all have shown for us over the last month as we went through our difficult times. The love and prayers and support have been absolutely incredible, and we feel truly blessed to have everyone in our lives. We understand the concerns and frustrations that we have heard about Chris leaving for Mexico...and we ask this...Trust in Him that created us, provides for us and loves us all deeply. We have faith that He will continue to be ever present in our lives...

Thank you all for your love...

Adjustments

What a week! It started with the whirlwind of preparation for Chris to come home, and then his arrival and adjustment period began. Poor guy struggled with jet lag on arriving home, but was doing a lot better until...well he wasn't. He woke up this morning with chills/fever and a vicious bronchitis like cough. He said he doesn't need to go to the doctor, and it will wear off, but it is a little intimidating given all of the traveling he just did...and the fact that we are on the mends here from MY hospitalization. So we are praying for a quick recovery for him, and washing our hands alot and praying that neither Lexsey or I catch this bug.

Which made me realize, that in all of the preparations to go to Ethiopia, somehow we missed him getting a flu shot. He had every other shot known to man kind, pills and prophylaxis, I sent him with a medical kit only a nurse would sent their spouse with, but I TOTALLY forgot for him to get his flu shot. I packed Lexsey and I up and over to our respective doctors, but never reminded him to get his. Sigh. Well, if its the flu, at least we know the rest of the family is protected. Poor guy!!

We were sad to have to postpone his welcome back barbeque, because Chris is so excited to share the amazing life changing experience that he had in Ethiopia...but we will reschedule as soon as we possibly can. There is too much good news, and testimony to be heard about the amazing works that are happening in Ethiopia, and the important testimony that Chris has to share...


A church in Debre Zeit, Ethiopia..

As I have been talking to people about the mission trip to Ethiopia, I realized how strongly and passionately I truly feel about the need to serve, and give of ALL of your resources, from labor, time, prayers to money and volunteer time. There is so much work to be done, and so many amazing things that can be done if we helped. I found myself talking about cosmetic surgeries, and procedures, botox and all of the things that have become so common place in the US. The conversation was sparked as I bottom some vitamin E oil for the ever stretching real estate of my stomach, and we talked about how you can have lazer surgery to remove stretch marks. I sighed, looked at Chris and said "but I COULD NEVER do that. There are too many families that won't be eating today, too many children that can't get medical care. How could I go spend thousands of dollars on something to make me look better to myself, when I could take those thousands of dollars and feed families? Feed entire villages?" He smiled, and said "I know you couldn't...thats just not you."

So I challenge you today, if you are reading this, give something up today. Maybe just for a day, for a week, a month, whatever you feel called to do. Maybe its a starbucks run (don't we all love our $4 mochas), or a pedicure, and donate that money to something that is going to make a difference. Put aside the petty little things that make us all feel better about ourselves in a way that doesn't matter in the long run , and invest in the future of the world, of the children of the world, of the kingdom of God here and now. Did you know that in Ethiopia, your $4 mochas money could feed an entire family that would have went without that meal?





Chris gave a testimony while in Ethiopia (from what I have heard) that we need to remember that we aren't storing our treasures here on earth, but in heaven... Isn't that the truth? Our reward is not here, in retirement accounts, fancy cars and clothing...its when you reach the gates of heaven, and you look in the face of your creator, who says "I know you. I know what you did for the least of my people".

The parable of sheep and goats in Matthew 25:31-46 says it all...




The Sheep and the Goats



31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels
with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory.
32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will
separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates
the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right
and the goats on his left.



34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you
who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom
prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was
hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you
gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited
me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and
you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see
you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to
drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or
needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or
in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did
for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you
who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and
his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat,
I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger
and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not
clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or
thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison,
and did not help you?'

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do
for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

I'm not saying that by not doing things, people won't go to heaven. What Im saying is that we are CALLED to help... I hope and pray that today, if you happen to be reading this, maybe you heard the whisper of God's holy spirit in you, saying "what can I do?" and that you chose to listen to that call.

Blessings and love to all

Another attempt at blogging...A changed heart, and our testimony

When I looked at my blogger account today, I about fell over. Almost 2 years since I wrote anything down? This used to be my outpost, my area to vent, to get it all out, and to straighten it out...WOW. Things have changed since I last updated this...our hearts as a family have changed. We were taken and changed, God molded our hearts, and shaped us into the people that we have become today....

2 years ago I wrote about anger at the injustices of the world, frustrations, and hurts that I didn't know how to channel...Being unable to get on my knees and say "I give it to you God" because I didn't know how to do that...Control freak that I am, shocking right?!...But God took that frustration, those angers and showed me what to do with them. He called me, he called our family, just as He is calling each and everyone of us, if we would just listen. Yes, I was angry with the way children starve, and parents are called away because of poverty and disease...God doesn't want that either. We feel outrage and sadness, and anger that the situation, because that was NOT God's plan for this earth. That was the brokenness of this world, and we have to be God's hands to the world, his face and his light to the world, to give ourselves as He gave himself for us....

2 years ago I struggled with the why's and how could you's of miscarriage. I didn't understand then that I was being shaped, formed to do the work that God had called not only me, but our family to. It took 2 more miscarriages to straighten out that lump of clay that OBSTINATE lump of clay, into a form that was willing to listen... And I heard it. Gods voice saying "You are a mother that wants more children...I have children. Lots of children. Children that need earthly mothers and fathers" Where? Where do you want me to go? I picked up a book, and my whole world was changed....

It was called "There is No Me, Without You" a heartbreaking story of a woman who had lost a daughter, probably to AIDS, and had given up...but a pastor didn't allow her to give up. He opened her eyes to all of the children that needed mothers...and next thing she knew, her home was overflowing with orphans...The millions of orphans that needed love, and needed the fathers love to shelter them and nurture them through their lives... I heard it then. I was going. I was going one way or another...to Ethiopia.



I nervously approached Chris one night, how could I tell my husband that I NEEDED to go to the other side of the world. This wasn't a wishy washy moment. This is my calling. I sat down and said "So I think I need to go to Ethiopia." He looked at me and without blinking said "If thats where God wants you to go, I want you to go." He didn't even ask, how much? how long? is that safe? He knew then that if thats what God was calling me to, then I should go. We talked about the trip, we prayed for the finances to go, we prayed about how I should do it...we found an organization called Blessing the Children in Debre Zeit, Ethiopia, and with a little bit of fear, I sent in an application and the deposit money.


I didn't know how I was going to do it, how I was going to leave my family and go, but I was going to. Chris prayed about it, and one day as I was putting together plans for my first fundraiser, he told me he wanted to pay with his savings. He would love to go, but one of us needed to stay home with the little one...So he would send me, and be the backing at home, the prayers and the support, so I could be the hands of the family...The trip was paid for.

That summer, at church we had a day, where we created a "western wall" of prayers. We wrote on little sticky notes our greatest prayers, and put them on the wall as a visual reminder of the things that we want God to do in our lives, if he is willing. I sat there on the bench, thinking of all of the changes in our lives, and wrote quickly "God, please give us another child. OUR child." and Chris sat down next to me and wrote "Show me how to do your work God. I want to do missions, I want to be your hands." We put our prayers on the wall and walked away.

Two months later, as I battled with mono (so not fun I tell you that!!) I was standing in line for a prescription , and the pharmacist asked me" Are you pregnant?"My mouth dropped open. How could i explain that I COULDNT be pregnant? God had given me a mission to do, and I was going, and I had already had 3 miscarriages. But as I went to open my mouth and say no, I heard a quiet voice come out that said , "I don't think so" instead. I went from that pharmacy to a drug store. Bought a pack of pregnancy tests thinking, "NO WAY. Im nauseated because Ive got mono." But that wasnt on the list of symptoms for mono...A 2nd line popped up on the test and I about fell over. How could that be? I was going to Ethiopia in a few months, I couldnt go pregnant!



And then I heard it again...quietly...I saw the look on Chris's face when I told him I was going to go, I saw him paying for the trip. I saw his determination that I would go and serve, and be the hands of our family...I saw him writing his greatest prayer was to go serve, and be the hands of our father in heaven. I asked him if he would want to go in my place, if this pregnancy worked out...There was a resounding YES!! Of course!!!! 8 weeks passed, longer than any pregnancy since Lexsey, strong beating heart beat, and morning sickness like no other...I wasn't going to Ethiopia. God had granted me my greatest wish. Chris was going- he was going to go serve, just like he had asked God to show him how to do.

The months passed, and next thing we knew it, it was February 2012. The date written in the calendar with exclamation points "ETHIOPIA trip!!!" along side of it little notes for OB appointments, and ultrasound dates.



Chris got on a plane and left to Ethiopia, and I stayed behind, thinking how amazing our God is, that he had shaped my heart to serve, and then He had granted me my prayer, and Chris's as well. As he flew across the world to Ethiopia, I felt so clearly then, that it wasn't just my calling. This was our FAMILIES calling. Lexsey praying at night for the children we sponsor...Lexsey looking at her world map on the wall with childrens pictures in Africa, and praying for water, and food and shelter, and mommy's and daddy's... Chris wasn't just going to serve for one trip...He was going to build a foundation for our family to serve, as a family devoted to missions.

He landed in Debre Zeit, and I could hear it in his voice. He was in love. He talked about the children, and I could see the light in his eyes over the phone. He called and told me about holding Sitota in his arms, the baby that we have sponsored over the last year, and how she was doing SOOO good.


Our little baby on the other side of the world, the baby that I had prayed so hard for as we suffered our miscarriages, the one whose picture God had guided me to and I had said "YES" to without knowing how I could afford that extra $60/month.



I was at home, praying and holding down the fort so to speak, and I could feel Christian kicking inside, so strong as his daddy began the amazing work that was shaped for our family. I held Lexsey's hands at dinner as she prayed for Daddy, and I felt that tug again. We are going to do this as a family next time. Chris called and said "We could bring the kids here" and I thought "YES. WE ARE GOING TO!!"






Then one day, while he was gone, I felt short of breath. I felt like my heart was racing. I pushed it aside, put on a big smile and went about my day. Talked with him on skype, smiled and laughed, and then gasped to catch my breath when we got off the phone. The next day I was in the emergency room with a big "Rule out PULMONARY EMBOLISM" diagnosis. I was scared. I didn't know how I could do this with Chris gone...how I could undergo all of these tests that were SO scary while nurturing our miracle baby, kicking away in my belly... I felt that panic that I wrote about years ago. That inability to give it up to God. I felt it, and then I took a big breath, and said "God, help me. Help me to do this. Be my stength, because I don't have it. Shelter me and this baby, and heal us...I proclaim healing in your name God, because this is not what you want for us." I felt relief. I felt like I could hear him saying "I promised you this child, it will all be ok". I went through the testing. I left the CT Angio of my chest feeling calm, still struggling to breathe, but calm. I was calm as I heard that yes, indeed I did have a blood clot in my lungs. I was calm as they started the blood thinners that were necessary to keep Christian and I safe.

Chris called that night, randomly managed to call that night. I heard his voice, and the tears came. He has always been my rock, the one that reminds me to pray, wraps me up in his arms and comforts me, and guides me back to the truth. I couldn't imagine telling him everything, but I could hear the calm in his voice as we talked. He had peace about it. He reminded me to pray, guided me back to my devotionals....and then told me that he was going to a prayer circle, and there, on the other side of the world, 16 people were going to pray for us, for healing. What a blessing....words couldn't even shape to say how much of a relief that was to me at that moment to hear that on the other side of the world, people I didn't even know, were praying for us. People who had been called to serve, people we were there to serve even...people united under our loving and faithful God, coming together in agreement.





A few hours later, I felt relief. I could breathe. I read notes from friends and family members who had been praying for us...My amazing church family came and prayed with us, and I could feel the weight of not being able to breathe lifting off of me.

The pulmonologist came in. He had asked another radiologist to look at that same CT scan from the night before. THEY COULDNT find the clot. The blood thinners were stopped. I was told that I had just over exerted myself. But I knew the truth, and when I spoke to Chris, he said the same thing "God provides, and He answers prayers"

Chris was able to complete his time in Ethiopia. I could hear in his voice that he was a changed man. He had met friends, and seen things that I couldn't even imagine, and had come home energized, and with pictures that hopefully can help change other peoples perspectives, and bring them the message that we heard from God...

Chris returning home from Ethiopia was not the end of our mission...No...just the beginning. We have a renewed spirit of service, of certainty in God's love, and his healing power. We will serve as a family...

All we have to do now, is greet our little man into our family...when he is due to come in June.

Blessings to everyone who reads this...I hope that if you venture back in my blog, you can see the amazing changes that can come to your heart when you chose to listen, and to accept the calling that God has given you.

I'm a Cowboy

Its the little things in life that just make you realize how incredibly precious each day is. And how much little moments matter. And time. Time is so incredibly precious. Turn your back for a minute and you could miss something so unique, so precious, just a one time thing...

Today was one of those days. Watching Lexsey play catch and tag with all of the other kids in the neighborhood, and then our adventures at the store just remind me of how lucky I am to get to spend as much time with her as I do.

We went on a mission today to find a cheap sweater for me at a second hand store. Lexsey zeroed in a four wheeled walker with basket as the prize of the store. She spent our time there running from one end and back pushing that walker like a pro. The eighty year old ladies were put to shame with her manueverability and agility. LOL.

Later tonight we ventured to Joanns fabric store with Chris. We were looking at the halloween decorations, and Lexsey discovered a little headband with a cowboy hat and yellow pig tails. She immediately put it on, and yelled" IM COWBOY LEXSEY!! Giddee up!!" When I tried to correct her that she is a cowgirl, she ran through the store yelling " IM A COWBOY! COWBOY LEXSEY!!!"

And thats just one of those things, you don't want to miss!

Discontent

I have been horrible about updating this. Really, really horrible. I started the blog when I was reeling from the loss of our precious little angel, and struggling against anger and frustration. I have felt over the last few months that I have really healed, and moved forward.

Reading my last entry, I realized how far from true peace I am. I am still railing against society and the woes of the world on a daily basis. If anything that has gotten worse. How many times recently have I come home from work totally jaded and angry at the world? Frustrated that so many children go neglected and are abused, how many people chose to live their lives completely fruitlessly, and suck the sweet juice out of life for others.

But why? Why do I let things get to me so much? Why can't I just do my part and let things go?

I think I am a fixer. I just want to fix things for people. I can't fix this world. I need to just accept that this world is NOT PERFECT. People are not perfect. I can do my little part in this world to help the people that I come into contact with, and raise my child the way that I think a child should be raised, in a loving home with two parents that adore her. I can't fix this world- because it is broken. Exactly the reason that we need the salvation our loving God has to offer us through his Son.



And there we are...I still have a long way to go from where I want to be. Where I want to be spiritually as a woman, and a mother. I think I was making a lot of progress when I was actually going to church each week, but as things seem to go around here, we haven't been in a really long time. I need to make that a priority. I really do.



Other than my jaded/discontented frustrations being unchanged, I have come to realize exactly where I stand when it comes to priorities in my life. I have always known that being a mom would be incredibly important to me. I now realize that I am defined by being a mom. I was born to be Lexsey's mom. I love it. I adore her. I want to spend each and every day with her, and teach her things, and spend that time just talking with her. I miss her when I have to work, horribly. I was born to be a mom. I wish I would have been the 40's-50's housewife. I love being at home. Can I be a stay at home mom? Please? Really? Why not?

Stupid bills. I really really wish I could just stay home and hang out with the pumpkin. Especially now that she is a fun little girl, who loves to talk, and loves to just come and cuddle with her totally uncool mom every now and again. SHE is the biggest blessing in the world. That, and her amazing dad, who still puts up with me and my far from perfect personality and occasionally horrid attitude. He is a pretty special guy :)

Dear God

Dear God,

I have been mad at you. I have raged at you. I have questioned your reasoning. I have cried tears and asked "why would you do this to me? why?" But I realize, it isn't my place to question you. You didn't want horrible things to happen to me and my family. You wept when I did, you were there, quietly listening and quietly providing us with love and strength to get through the storm. You accepted our little baby into your arms, and are holding her there waiting for the day when we all meet again...You are a loving God. But I still find myself questioning you. Im sorry that I do that. I really am. I wish I could just be on my knees and give everything up to you. But I find that I can't. But you already know that don't you? You created me just the way I am and love me for just the way I am. So, you must be ok with me, broken as I am.



Today we talked in church about loving others, despite their vices, and loving them for their brokenness. Our pastor said that giving love to the unloveable is like giving you a hug personally. Hearing those words, I realized how broken I have been. For the last month, it has been so easy for me to just live in anger. How easy it is to just rail against society and all of the injustices I see each and every day at work. To be bitter, to be jaded. I need to take that advise, and just love people. Love them when they are broken, and provide them with the love of a God they may not know, but so desperately need. Maybe in doing that, they will move away from their brokenness. That is going to be something that is going to take me awhile to change. I know that. But Im asking. Im asking for you to help me with my anger, my frustration. Help me to redirect those things. Help me to walk in your way.



We talked about in Nehemiah that the people realized they had to build their wall, because if the enemy couldn't win from the outside, they would try to get in and fight from the inside. Hearing those words, I felt like I heard your voice for the first time in awhile. Isn't that so true? When evil fights against our spirit from the outside, the horrible things that happen around us each day, and we are not broken, the enemy starts to fight in our hearts. Discontent, anger, frustration. Wow. The enemy has been at work against me. Im sorry God. Im sorry I have been mad at you. Im sorry that I still just can't shake my feelings. Im sorry that I haven't been better, more like what you desire for us.



Help me to grow each and every day. Help me to fight the enemy working so hard against you. Help me to know that you love me as I am, and you did not want bad things to happen to me. Help me to reach out to you when I am in need instead of turning away. Help me to do these things and walk in your way, so that I can instill in my daughter your love, and teach her how to do what I am struggling so hard to do.

I read a quote the other day when I was struggling with sadness. It said "Dear God, I so would have loved to have held my child in my arms and told them about you. But since I can't, please hold them in your arms and tell them about me." Im asking God, while Im here on earth, help me to hold Lexsey in my arms and tell her about you and your love, help me to glow with your love and live my life with a passion to serve you, and those that I struggle to love. While Im on earth, please hold that child close that is there living with you, and please tell them about me. Tell them I love them.



Thank you God. Thank you for being here with us each and every day and listening to such a small voice.


Amen.