Dear God,I have been mad at you. I have raged at you. I have questioned your reasoning. I have cried tears and asked "why would you do this to me? why?" But I realize, it isn't my place to question you. You didn't want horrible things to happen to me and my family. You wept when I did, you were there, quietly listening and quietly providing us with love and strength to get through the storm. You accepted our little baby into your arms, and are holding her there waiting for the day when we all meet again...You are a loving God. But I still find myself questioning you. Im sorry that I do that. I really am. I wish I could just be on my knees and give everything up to you. But I find that I can't. But you already know that don't you? You created me just the way I am and love me for just the way I am. So, you must be ok with me, broken as I am.Today we talked in church about loving others, despite their vices, and loving them for their brokenness. Our pastor said that giving love to the unloveable is like giving you a hug personally. Hearing those words, I realized how broken I have been. For the last month, it has been so easy for me to just live in anger. How easy it is to just rail against society and all of the injustices I see each and every day at work. To be bitter, to be jaded. I need to take that advise, and just love people. Love them when they are broken, and provide them with the love of a God they may not know, but so desperately need. Maybe in doing that, they will move away from their brokenness. That is going to be something that is going to take me awhile to change. I know that. But Im asking. Im asking for you to help me with my anger, my frustration. Help me to redirect those things. Help me to walk in your way.
We talked about in Nehemiah that the people realized they had to build their wall, because if the enemy couldn't win from the outside, they would try to get in and fight from the inside. Hearing those words, I felt like I heard your voice for the first time in awhile. Isn't that so true? When evil fights against our spirit from the outside, the horrible things that happen around us each day, and we are not broken, the enemy starts to fight in our hearts. Discontent, anger, frustration. Wow. The enemy has been at work against me. Im sorry God. Im sorry I have been mad at you. Im sorry that I still just can't shake my feelings. Im sorry that I haven't been better, more like what you desire for us. Help me to grow each and every day. Help me to fight the enemy working so hard against you. Help me to know that you love me as I am, and you did not want bad things to happen to me. Help me to reach out to you when I am in need instead of turning away. Help me to do these things and walk in your way, so that I can instill in my daughter your love, and teach her how to do what I am struggling so hard to do.I read a quote the other day when I was struggling with sadness. It said "Dear God, I so would have loved to have held my child in my arms and told them about you. But since I can't, please hold them in your arms and tell them about me." Im asking God, while Im here on earth, help me to hold Lexsey in my arms and tell her about you and your love, help me to glow with your love and live my life with a passion to serve you, and those that I struggle to love. While Im on earth, please hold that child close that is there living with you, and please tell them about me. Tell them I love them. Thank you God. Thank you for being here with us each and every day and listening to such a small voice.Amen.
Today was a good day. Not one of those days where you sit around the house, and say it was good just because nothing bad happened, but a really good day. You know, the type where memories are made. Chris had to work, but Lexsey and I were going to take advantage of the sunshine. A temperature of 104 in the afternoon forcasted, but there is lots you can do before it gets hot!
So...we went to the park. What I had forgotten was that I had left my stroller at my parents house, and when we had talked about going for a walk with the stroller, Lexsey took me seriously. So, since we didn't have my stroller to take her for a walk in, she decided that she would just take her baby and take HER for a walk to the park and go swimming.
About 1/2 mile into the walk pushing her little baby stroller, she stopped to feed her baby and asked for a drink. She ate a ton of pudding on our little snack, and then we hit up the creek for some good fun.
What a difference a year makes in her creek experience! She was running and jumping in the water, throwing rocks, pulling me in with her. We left drenched, but totally happy. She didn't want to leave the water though, and threw herself in the dirt. I carried a muddy baby and stroller/baby doll home. Such is life for a mom.
We decided after our creek time that we should take advantage of the heat and go swimming for the first time of the year. We hit up Grandma and Grandpas house, and she had a blast. She was yelling "Look at me!!!!!!!!!!!"
So it was a good day. I hardly thought about the baby that we lost. Then I did, and that sucked. It always sucks. Like someone socked you in the gut. The random thought that brought that up? My stomach should be bouncing and full of fluid. I hated how that felt when I was pregnant with Lexsey in the summer, but now I would give anything to feel that this summer.
But like I said, it was a GOOD day. And I need to count my blessings where I can these days. And Lexsey is definitely a HUGE blessing.
This is an attempt at some therapy for myself...you know, talk it out, get through it. Brag about it, because she is awesome, rant about it because people are crazy. Well, we will see how it works. If there is any interest anyway.
So...how do you even begin? The whole, describe your blog thing ended up staying blank. I didn't know how to describe what I may or may not write here. So I guess this will be my description/introduction.
My name is Misty, Im the mama. I married my high school sweet heart Chris in 2005, and we have been very happily married ever since. Not the love/hate type of marriage, but your genuine, I married my best friend and occasionally he drives me crazy type of marriage.
In 2008, we welcomed our beautiful daughter Lexsey into this world.
She has without a doubt become the center of our existence, she is simply amazing. Little curls, lots of laughter, and an imagination that will knock your socks off. All of that packaged with sweet little hands, a cuddly personality...and I could go on and on. Can you tell I adore her?
While pregnant with Lexsey, I made some career adjustments, switching from a nice cardiac unit as a new grad nurse to a bustling emergency room. The adjustment sure has made some changes in who I am, my outlook on the world. Sometimes a good change, other times, just a bit more jaded. Well, not a bit, a LOT more jaded. Im sure more will come of that later. Well...Im positive more will come of that later.
This year, we decided it was time for our family to grow. In May, we were thrilled to find out that our family was going to grow.
Our immediate love of this unknown little peanut was huge. We immediately began to plan for this child, Lexsey began to love her new little brother or sister, talk to my stomach which immediately popped out into a nice round pregnant belly. Well, to be honest, there still was definitely some popping left from HER two years ago.
But, our dreams were shattered at the end of May, when a miscarriage took my happy little pregnant bubble and popped it. An emergency surgery, a post op pneumonia, and then a post op little pop up and bite you in the ass infection - THANKS for the good sterile technique and the grieving process has been tremendous. Yes, the last month has been really freaking hard. But...the three of us, we will get through it.
So that is us in a nutshell. A little tiny nutshell.
