Dear God

Dear God,

I have been mad at you. I have raged at you. I have questioned your reasoning. I have cried tears and asked "why would you do this to me? why?" But I realize, it isn't my place to question you. You didn't want horrible things to happen to me and my family. You wept when I did, you were there, quietly listening and quietly providing us with love and strength to get through the storm. You accepted our little baby into your arms, and are holding her there waiting for the day when we all meet again...You are a loving God. But I still find myself questioning you. Im sorry that I do that. I really am. I wish I could just be on my knees and give everything up to you. But I find that I can't. But you already know that don't you? You created me just the way I am and love me for just the way I am. So, you must be ok with me, broken as I am.



Today we talked in church about loving others, despite their vices, and loving them for their brokenness. Our pastor said that giving love to the unloveable is like giving you a hug personally. Hearing those words, I realized how broken I have been. For the last month, it has been so easy for me to just live in anger. How easy it is to just rail against society and all of the injustices I see each and every day at work. To be bitter, to be jaded. I need to take that advise, and just love people. Love them when they are broken, and provide them with the love of a God they may not know, but so desperately need. Maybe in doing that, they will move away from their brokenness. That is going to be something that is going to take me awhile to change. I know that. But Im asking. Im asking for you to help me with my anger, my frustration. Help me to redirect those things. Help me to walk in your way.



We talked about in Nehemiah that the people realized they had to build their wall, because if the enemy couldn't win from the outside, they would try to get in and fight from the inside. Hearing those words, I felt like I heard your voice for the first time in awhile. Isn't that so true? When evil fights against our spirit from the outside, the horrible things that happen around us each day, and we are not broken, the enemy starts to fight in our hearts. Discontent, anger, frustration. Wow. The enemy has been at work against me. Im sorry God. Im sorry I have been mad at you. Im sorry that I still just can't shake my feelings. Im sorry that I haven't been better, more like what you desire for us.



Help me to grow each and every day. Help me to fight the enemy working so hard against you. Help me to know that you love me as I am, and you did not want bad things to happen to me. Help me to reach out to you when I am in need instead of turning away. Help me to do these things and walk in your way, so that I can instill in my daughter your love, and teach her how to do what I am struggling so hard to do.

I read a quote the other day when I was struggling with sadness. It said "Dear God, I so would have loved to have held my child in my arms and told them about you. But since I can't, please hold them in your arms and tell them about me." Im asking God, while Im here on earth, help me to hold Lexsey in my arms and tell her about you and your love, help me to glow with your love and live my life with a passion to serve you, and those that I struggle to love. While Im on earth, please hold that child close that is there living with you, and please tell them about me. Tell them I love them.



Thank you God. Thank you for being here with us each and every day and listening to such a small voice.


Amen.