2 years ago I wrote about anger at the injustices of the world, frustrations, and hurts that I didn't know how to channel...Being unable to get on my knees and say "I give it to you God" because I didn't know how to do that...Control freak that I am, shocking right?!...But God took that frustration, those angers and showed me what to do with them. He called me, he called our family, just as He is calling each and everyone of us, if we would just listen. Yes, I was angry with the way children starve, and parents are called away because of poverty and disease...God doesn't want that either. We feel outrage and sadness, and anger that the situation, because that was NOT God's plan for this earth. That was the brokenness of this world, and we have to be God's hands to the world, his face and his light to the world, to give ourselves as He gave himself for us....
2 years ago I struggled with the why's and how could you's of miscarriage. I didn't understand then that I was being shaped, formed to do the work that God had called not only me, but our family to. It took 2 more miscarriages to straighten out that lump of clay that OBSTINATE lump of clay, into a form that was willing to listen... And I heard it. Gods voice saying "You are a mother that wants more children...I have children. Lots of children. Children that need earthly mothers and fathers" Where? Where do you want me to go? I picked up a book, and my whole world was changed....
It was called "There is No Me, Without You" a heartbreaking story of a woman who had lost a daughter, probably to AIDS, and had given up...but a pastor didn't allow her to give up. He opened her eyes to all of the children that needed mothers...and next thing she knew, her home was overflowing with orphans...The millions of orphans that needed love, and needed the fathers love to shelter them and nurture them through their lives... I heard it then. I was going. I was going one way or another...to Ethiopia.
I nervously approached Chris one night, how could I tell my husband that I NEEDED to go to the other side of the world. This wasn't a wishy washy moment. This is my calling. I sat down and said "So I think I need to go to Ethiopia." He looked at me and without blinking said "If thats where God wants you to go, I want you to go." He didn't even ask, how much? how long? is that safe? He knew then that if thats what God was calling me to, then I should go. We talked about the trip, we prayed for the finances to go, we prayed about how I should do it...we found an organization called Blessing the Children in Debre Zeit, Ethiopia, and with a little bit of fear, I sent in an application and the deposit money.
I didn't know how I was going to do it, how I was going to leave my family and go, but I was going to. Chris prayed about it, and one day as I was putting together plans for my first fundraiser, he told me he wanted to pay with his savings. He would love to go, but one of us needed to stay home with the little one...So he would send me, and be the backing at home, the prayers and the support, so I could be the hands of the family...The trip was paid for.
That summer, at church we had a day, where we created a "western wall" of prayers. We wrote on little sticky notes our greatest prayers, and put them on the wall as a visual reminder of the things that we want God to do in our lives, if he is willing. I sat there on the bench, thinking of all of the changes in our lives, and wrote quickly "God, please give us another child. OUR child." and Chris sat down next to me and wrote "Show me how to do your work God. I want to do missions, I want to be your hands." We put our prayers on the wall and walked away.
Two months later, as I battled with mono (so not fun I tell you that!!) I was standing in line for a prescription , and the pharmacist asked me" Are you pregnant?"My mouth dropped open. How could i explain that I COULDNT be pregnant? God had given me a mission to do, and I was going, and I had already had 3 miscarriages. But as I went to open my mouth and say no, I heard a quiet voice come out that said , "I don't think so" instead. I went from that pharmacy to a drug store. Bought a pack of pregnancy tests thinking, "NO WAY. Im nauseated because Ive got mono." But that wasnt on the list of symptoms for mono...A 2nd line popped up on the test and I about fell over. How could that be? I was going to Ethiopia in a few months, I couldnt go pregnant!
And then I heard it again...quietly...I saw the look on Chris's face when I told him I was going to go, I saw him paying for the trip. I saw his determination that I would go and serve, and be the hands of our family...I saw him writing his greatest prayer was to go serve, and be the hands of our father in heaven. I asked him if he would want to go in my place, if this pregnancy worked out...There was a resounding YES!! Of course!!!! 8 weeks passed, longer than any pregnancy since Lexsey, strong beating heart beat, and morning sickness like no other...I wasn't going to Ethiopia. God had granted me my greatest wish. Chris was going- he was going to go serve, just like he had asked God to show him how to do.
The months passed, and next thing we knew it, it was February 2012. The date written in the calendar with exclamation points "ETHIOPIA trip!!!" along side of it little notes for OB appointments, and ultrasound dates.
Chris got on a plane and left to Ethiopia, and I stayed behind, thinking how amazing our God is, that he had shaped my heart to serve, and then He had granted me my prayer, and Chris's as well. As he flew across the world to Ethiopia, I felt so clearly then, that it wasn't just my calling. This was our FAMILIES calling. Lexsey praying at night for the children we sponsor...Lexsey looking at her world map on the wall with childrens pictures in Africa, and praying for water, and food and shelter, and mommy's and daddy's... Chris wasn't just going to serve for one trip...He was going to build a foundation for our family to serve, as a family devoted to missions.
He landed in Debre Zeit, and I could hear it in his voice. He was in love. He talked about the children, and I could see the light in his eyes over the phone. He called and told me about holding Sitota in his arms, the baby that we have sponsored over the last year, and how she was doing SOOO good.
Our little baby on the other side of the world, the baby that I had prayed so hard for as we suffered our miscarriages, the one whose picture God had guided me to and I had said "YES" to without knowing how I could afford that extra $60/month.
I was at home, praying and holding down the fort so to speak, and I could feel Christian kicking inside, so strong as his daddy began the amazing work that was shaped for our family. I held Lexsey's hands at dinner as she prayed for Daddy, and I felt that tug again. We are going to do this as a family next time. Chris called and said "We could bring the kids here" and I thought "YES. WE ARE GOING TO!!"
Then one day, while he was gone, I felt short of breath. I felt like my heart was racing. I pushed it aside, put on a big smile and went about my day. Talked with him on skype, smiled and laughed, and then gasped to catch my breath when we got off the phone. The next day I was in the emergency room with a big "Rule out PULMONARY EMBOLISM" diagnosis. I was scared. I didn't know how I could do this with Chris gone...how I could undergo all of these tests that were SO scary while nurturing our miracle baby, kicking away in my belly... I felt that panic that I wrote about years ago. That inability to give it up to God. I felt it, and then I took a big breath, and said "God, help me. Help me to do this. Be my stength, because I don't have it. Shelter me and this baby, and heal us...I proclaim healing in your name God, because this is not what you want for us." I felt relief. I felt like I could hear him saying "I promised you this child, it will all be ok". I went through the testing. I left the CT Angio of my chest feeling calm, still struggling to breathe, but calm. I was calm as I heard that yes, indeed I did have a blood clot in my lungs. I was calm as they started the blood thinners that were necessary to keep Christian and I safe.
Chris called that night, randomly managed to call that night. I heard his voice, and the tears came. He has always been my rock, the one that reminds me to pray, wraps me up in his arms and comforts me, and guides me back to the truth. I couldn't imagine telling him everything, but I could hear the calm in his voice as we talked. He had peace about it. He reminded me to pray, guided me back to my devotionals....and then told me that he was going to a prayer circle, and there, on the other side of the world, 16 people were going to pray for us, for healing. What a blessing....words couldn't even shape to say how much of a relief that was to me at that moment to hear that on the other side of the world, people I didn't even know, were praying for us. People who had been called to serve, people we were there to serve even...people united under our loving and faithful God, coming together in agreement.
A few hours later, I felt relief. I could breathe. I read notes from friends and family members who had been praying for us...My amazing church family came and prayed with us, and I could feel the weight of not being able to breathe lifting off of me.
The pulmonologist came in. He had asked another radiologist to look at that same CT scan from the night before. THEY COULDNT find the clot. The blood thinners were stopped. I was told that I had just over exerted myself. But I knew the truth, and when I spoke to Chris, he said the same thing "God provides, and He answers prayers"
Chris was able to complete his time in Ethiopia. I could hear in his voice that he was a changed man. He had met friends, and seen things that I couldn't even imagine, and had come home energized, and with pictures that hopefully can help change other peoples perspectives, and bring them the message that we heard from God...
Chris returning home from Ethiopia was not the end of our mission...No...just the beginning. We have a renewed spirit of service, of certainty in God's love, and his healing power. We will serve as a family...
All we have to do now, is greet our little man into our family...when he is due to come in June.
Blessings to everyone who reads this...I hope that if you venture back in my blog, you can see the amazing changes that can come to your heart when you chose to listen, and to accept the calling that God has given you.
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