Every 2 years I feel inclined to sit down and process feelings and ramble my way through life.
Every 2 years apparently something significant happens that brings me to my knees and draws me back to my faith a little stronger, a little bit more renewed.
Every 2 years I search for purpose.
Maybe I need to stop settling during those periods in between, and keep searching, keep digging, keep delving into my purpose, my mission in life. Maybe then every 2 years, I won't be asking God why?
Im an incredibly blessed woman. I have two amazing beautiful children. Hard fought for, cried over, miracle children who mean the world to me. I would walk through fire for them, stand in front of a train...Anything for those two precious miracles that I am so blessed to call my own.
I have a gorgeous husband who is a man of God, a man whose faith inspires me, and encourages me to follow my own dreams. A man who isn't afraid to hold a little girls purse, to play cars with a little boy, to have sticky hands hold his own.
I have parents who still show me unconditional love, although I broke their hearts when we moved our family away from our hometown. Who support me emotionally across the distance , more than they will ever know.
I have my "little" sis, who I am blessed even talks to me after how horrible I was to her as a child. My sis that will say what Im thinking even when Im not bold enough to say it, and is my best friend.
I am a blessed woman.
So why do I say that every 2 years I struggle?
I think that God humbles me through my health. 2 years ago I struggled with a pulmonary embolism while I was pregnant with Christian. I sought Him faithfully through that, and emerged stronger in my faith. After that crisis, I did what I always do in the good times...I drifted away. Yes, I still believed, I still attended church, I still went through the motions. But the prayers were more superficial, the old habit of seeking to depend on my self instead of on him resurfaced.
When I was faced with evil, sorrow and misery, I didn't turn back to Him the way I know I should. I tried to process it myself. Why don't I know by now that I can't do this on my own? Why?
And so I got sick again. I was brought to my knees- literally almost with shortness of breath and chest pain that I couldn't fathom at such a young age. I ran the gamut with all of the testing, the unknowns. I found myself struggling for answers again, searching and depending on myself. And then ,I see the answers. I see the answers that were there all along, with the unmistakable hand of Him , in the midst of it all. Why was I so blessed 2 times with these amazing beautiful children, when all of the other testing showed that those two should have probably ended like all of the miscarriages over the years? Because You were there. You saw them through. God blessed me with absolute miracles- who we named Lexsey and Christian.
So here I am again, on my knees. Thanking God for letting me run away and try to do it on my own, and his grace to accept me back once I realized I needed Him , more than I needed my own false sense of self sufficiency. Instead of running this time, Im going to try to seek Him daily, seek His will, seek my purpose. Im going to stop ignoring that small voice of discontent and seek to answer those nagging questions with His will for my life, for our family.
And reading through this again, my previous years of struggles and my 2 year pattern of looking the way I should have been all along, Im going to embrace the mission that our family has set before us. Because as Chris recently said, which struck me straight to the core: "We must love as he loves, and forgive as He forgives" . Thank you God for forgiving me. Because I am a mess without you.
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